Entrepreneur Solutions

What is it like to have periods?

Overview:
2-5 days leading up to the period:
Everything is going well, but then I accidentally burn the toast, no big deal, except I find myself overcome with irrational rage. Deep breath, "Walk it off Lynn. Get it together!" I tell myself....

Then I see a puppy on TV. I break down in tears. What is wrong with me? Be cool.

I cry again.

This time for no reason, well, unless you count how the "piece of dirt" in the Swiffer commercial just got picked up.

SPCA commercials, with Nina van Horn and Sarah McLachlan? ugh. game. over.

I'll just make out with that guy in my livingroom, so I can stop crying at all visual stimuli. He is caressing and kissing me — aww this is niiiice but wait wait owww my breast is tender dammmit dammit stop touching me!!!! motherfuckers.

Day of period:
I wake up extra early for some stupid reason. I feel fat and undesirable - but that's not unusual. But maybe I could masturbate to improve this situation. Oh...hmmm, I'm either really turned on or....ew! Run to the bathroom - fuuuuuuck. Wipe up the leak, jump in the shower, shower until dirty feeling goes away. Jump out of the shower - wipe gingerly so that nothing gets on the towel, sit on toilet while lining a fresh pair of panties with a sanitary pad or perch one leg on the toilet and insert a tampon. None of this looks graceful. I'm not graceful. (How can I? I'm bloated! The scale is telling me that I weigh 5 more lbs than yesterday morning. That extra slice of pizza was NOT 5 lbs! wtf.) Leave the bathroom, now feeling like I either have a phonebook in my crotch, or there's a dementor sucking up all natural lubrication from my baby tunnel. (If it's a heavy day - then both!) Excellent. But at least I fixed the leak - guess who's a bio-civil engineer? ME!

The day ahead can be one of the following three scenarios:

  • Heavy days: Sitting on the train during a long commute, while my crotch is turning into a wetland preserve. Trying to not move so I don't disturb or disrupt the blood absorbing implements in my crotch.  The train reaches destination, I get up quickly and don't look back (lest I had just stained the seat with a bloody mark, just keep on walkin' - and if anyone accuses you of anything, bite their heads off, they can't prove anything!)  Get myself into a bathroom, lower my pants to check the scene of the crime - yep, murder just happened in my vagina and there's blood everywhere. It's straight out of Dexter. Hang on, is that a baby on the pad (or clinging to the side of the tampon?) I must flush/get rid of the evidence. Also, that joke, "blahblahblah.. don't trust anyone who bleeds for five days and doesn't die" is on auto-repeat in my head. Do I need a blood transfusion? I want one. Maybe I'll just eat a steak...but I already feel constipated/bloated. Speaking of which, I really wanted to fart on the train but held it in, but how come, now that I'm sitting on the toilet, I can't? wtf? And why does it feel like someone is wringing my uterus?
    Is this phenomenon the reason they coined the term 'abomination?' Will I ever stop bleeding and feeling like shit? I feel cursed...
  • Lite days: Oh look, my vagina is done draining! My period has stopped..... oh.... wait. no. just ruined another pair of panties. My vagina is an asshole.
  • Regular days: I'm only talking about this as a formality - there's no such thing as 'regular days' - the period usually go from wildlife preserve puddles to leaky faucet state fairly quickly. I suspect that regular pads/tampons are just designed so that public vending machines can have something to sell (or not sell, since 75% of them are broken at all times.)
  • The day your period stops: paranoia level - similar to that of lite days, except there are NO LEAKS! The world is full of wonderful things, colorful flowers, and beautiful children! Firm handshakes, heartfelt conversation, productive brainstorming sessions, confident strides, dirty fuck sessions, all the things!!!

Miscellaneous Period-related Irritants:
  • Long meetings: This includes dinners, movies, long flights, dmv trips, etc - this is the stuff nightmares are made of. Paranoia + overactive period uterus = Not good feelings.
  • Pads: Period blood doesn't smell. Period blood that's been hanging out on a pad for about, 4-6 hours, does. That smell lingers phantom-limb style even after you change. You're convinced that everyone else can smell it, and they're wondering if another aspect of your life is also unraveling.

  • Wings: can't live with'em, can't live without'em. The adhesive on those wings are designed to stick to each other, and not stick to your panties. The little chads that come off are a thesis on static electricity - What's that little piece of paper on your pants, asks your coworker innocently. Like. She. Doesn't. Know.
  • Toxic Shock Syndrome: can I stay in bed past 6am and risk fever and shock? I just changed my tampon 2 hours ago and now I have to pee again, but there's still 2 good hours left on this tampon! Should I change tampons anyway to avoid organ failure?  The chance is really small, but what if I'm not the 99%?
  • Cardboard Applicators: Good for the environment, sure, but it feels like I'm inserting sandpaper. Sure this is a #firstworldproblem but I live in the #firstworld dammit.
  • Night time period management: Especially tricky on heavy days - prepared to be awakened by feeling of justified paranoia that you just recreated a diorama of the Red Sea in your bed. Hope against hope that the towels you laid down the previous night under your ass didn't shift, and that you don't have to change the sheets.
  • Out of Pads/Tampons: I knew I should have stocked up the other day I was passing through Walgreens, but I thought I had 2 or 3 more hanging around in various purses, and damn these things are expensive! Now I have to bleed through half a roll of toilet paper, while kegel-ing my way to the nearest store. Oh what is this? a 50 cent coupon! Yay! Too bad I'm too embarrassed to use it.
  • Friskiness: I know I'm a bloody mess, but for some reason I really want to get it on. The boyfriend does too. Ew. That's disgusting. Why would I want to extend the crime scene that is my vagina onto his penis and both of our crotches, and beyond?! The cleaning effort afterwards would cost the taxpayers so much money! Why haven't they invented body condoms for this reason yet? What is wrong with me. What is wrong with us? We are disgusting beings. This is really making me question everything I believe about this man's decision making skills. Decision tree time: 1. I'm gonna get mad about something now. 2. Have sex, since it's a 'lite day' - and discover mid-session that it's not that 'lite,' (BTW, post-period-sex towels look like a Rorschach test, just sayin'.) 3. Give hand/blowjob and feel resentful. Start love affair with ice cream to compensate.
  • Gyno's: "When was your last menstruation?" I don't fucking know!!! I'm trying to forget.
  • "I use those cups" girls: stop trying to get me to join your sisterhood of yaya period cups. I don't care how easy they are to use. That they're "re-useable" is not a selling point. ew. that's disgusting. did you know you have to BOIL them to disinfect them after each period. uhhhh...yeah not gonna happen.

Addendum:
Successful period management can feel very rewarding. Satisfactory feelings can arise from the following events:
  • The day we discover the tampon. Some discover this at 14, others discover later, but the day we figure out how to use a tampon is AWESOME. (Unless you get Toxic Shock Syndrome, or your hymen prevents you from extracting the tampon properly, or your vagina is too small to use one, etc etc...ugh, another story.) My own mother told me I can't use them until I'm married. oh mom. :)
  • A timely trip to the loo which simultaneously prevented accidental leaks/ stains, and leveraged the full absorbing power of the pad/tampon. A real success story.
  • Timely laundering (by hand) of the panties so that the stains are completely out.
  • Discarding the tampon/pad so that no additional messes are made. Disposing pads into a little mailbox bin can feel like sending out a chain letter. I always make sure mine is wrapped up beautifully, like a Cuban cigar. I hate those bitches who don't bother, and cause the rest of us to touch their used pads when we're mailing ours out. Gross!
  • Picking the perfect outfit so that there's no shifting of the pads, tugging of the tampon strings, etc. control tops are great for these type of days, because at least they're controlling the bloat visually.
  • Having a fully stocked Period-Aid kit: Midol, hot water bottle, a trusted Pinot, ice cream over brownies, some marijuana, a bowl of mashed potatoes or mac'n'cheese, and chocolate of course.

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Anika Devi received her Bachelor’s degree in Media, Culture and Communication from New York University in 2012. She began freelancing for Business Solutions BD in 2010 and joined the team as a staff writer three years later. She currently serves as the assistant editor.
Worked well for Website DA, Entrepreneurship, Starting a Blog, Payoneer MasterCard, Sex Tips, Phone Sex, So how do you think? Want to get into her pants? Read here