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Showing posts with label Story Book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Story Book. Show all posts

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Sweden’s ‘Centre’ Party by Bernard Porter

A couple of years ago, Swedish politics were shaken up by the fresh-faced young Jimmy Åkesson’s Sverigedemokraten getting 5.7 per cent of the parliamentary vote on an anti-immigrant ticket. Now Centerpartiet – traditionally the party of the countryside – has been taken over by another fresh face, Annie Lööf (pronounced ‘lurve’), advocating unlimited immigration. Both are considered to be of the right, but totally opposite rights: the Sweden Democrats nationalistic and chauvinist, the Centre Party just about as ‘new liberal’ as you can get. (This kind of contradiction isn’t unique to the right. The left has its state socialists at one end of the spectrum and anarcho-socialists at the other.)
Lööf’s programme embraces not only free immigration, but also cutting the years of compulsory education, a flat rate of income tax, no limit on how little you can pay workers, and allowing polygamy. It is the last, predictably, that has attracted the most debate, causing her to backtrack on it recently. Other policies you can probably guess at from her first principle, which seems to be the old John Stuart Mill one of individual freedom in anything that doesn’t directly harm others. This is individualist liberalism taken to its logical conclusion – or ad absurdum, if you like. It is the most extreme form of it I’ve come across in a significant politician anywhere; and Lööf is significant, with the job of enterprise minister in the current centre-right coalition government.
It seems very osvensk. Sweden is supposed to be the country of consensus and social democracy, yet here we have the most right-wing (in one sense) politician apparently flourishing. How she and her libertarian allies managed to hijack the old farmers’ party as they did I don’t know, and nor do any of my shocked Swedish friends. Lööf is very young (not yet 30); from a political family in Småland in the south; a great admirer of Margaret Thatcher and Ayn Rand; and very personally ambitious. The Centre Party has loads of money, after it sold its interest in a newspaper group in 2005. Its change of tack is supposed to have made it more attractive in urban areas. It matches other trends around the world, like the Tea Party movement in the United States. And Sweden has shifted to the right more generally over recent years (though not this far). The Lööf line may also have caught on with younger voters, who feel stifled by the democratic consensus around them and anxious to break out. (Piratpartiet – free music downloads from the internet – was another symptom of this.) Whether it indicates any deeper disillusion with the ‘Swedish model’ – managed capitalism and social welfare – is difficult to say. Admirers of that system, and of its resilience through the recent global troubles, will hope not.
They may be encouraged by recent opinion polls, which show support for the Centre Party sliding to 3.2 per cent (down from 6.6 per cent in 2010) which would not be enough to entitle it to a single parliamentary seat after the next election. As a result it is currently dogged with internal dissension. It would be ncie to think that the reason for the decline in its support is that its new programme really is ‘un-Swedish’, though it could just as well be that people are put off by its promise of even more immigrants.

Diary by Rebecca Solnit

The buses roll up to San Francisco’s bus stops in the morning and evening, but they are unmarked, or nearly so, and not for the public. They have no signs or have discreet acronyms on the front windshield, and because they also have no rear doors they ingest and disgorge their passengers slowly, while the brightly lit funky orange public buses wait behind them. The luxury coach passengers ride for free and many take out their laptops and begin their work day on board; there is of course wifi. Most of them are gleaming white, with dark-tinted windows, like limousines, and some days I think of them as the spaceships on which our alien overlords have landed to rule over us.
Other days I think of them as the company buses by which the coal miners get deposited at the minehead, and the work schedule involved would make a pit owner feel at home. Silicon Valley has long been famous for its endless work hours, for sucking in the young for decades of sixty or seventy-hour weeks, and the much celebrated perks on many jobsites – nap rooms, chefs, gyms, laundry – are meant to make spending most of your life at work less hideous. The biotech industry is following the same game plan. There are hundreds of luxury buses serving mega-corporations down the peninsula, but we refer to them in the singular, as the Google Bus, and we – by which I mean people I know, people who’ve lived here a while, and mostly people who don’t work in the industry – talk about them a lot. Parisians probably talked about the Prussian army a lot too, in the day.
My brother says that the first time he saw one unload its riders he thought they were German tourists – neatly dressed, uncool, a little out of place, blinking in the light as they emerged from their pod. The tech workers, many of them new to the region, are mostly white or Asian male nerds in their twenties and thirties; you often hear that to be over fifty in that world is to be a fossil, and the two founders of Google (currently tied for 13th richest person on earth) are not yet forty.
Another friend of mine told me a story about the Apple bus from when he worked for Apple Inc. Once a driver went rogue, dropping off the majority of his passengers as intended at the main Apple campus, and then rolling on towards San Jose instead of stopping at the satellite location, but the passengers were tech people, so withdrawn from direct, abrupt, interventionary communications that they just sat there as he drove many miles past their worksite and eventually dumped them on the street in a slum south of the new power centre of the world. At that point, I think, they called headquarters: another, more obedient bus driver was dispatched. I told the story to another friend and we joked about whether they then texted headquarters to get the email addresses of the people sitting next to them: this is a culture that has created many new ways for us to contact one another and atrophied most of the old ones, notably speaking to the people around you. All these youngish people are on the Google Bus because they want to live in San Francisco, city of promenading and mingling, but they seem as likely to rub these things out as to participate in them.
The Google Bus means so many things. It means that the minions of the non-petroleum company most bent on world domination can live in San Francisco but work in Silicon Valley without going through a hair-raising commute by car – I overheard someone note recently that the buses shortened her daily commute to 3.5 hours from 4.5. It means that unlike gigantic employers in other times and places, the corporations of Silicon Valley aren’t much interested in improving public transport, and in fact the many corporations providing private transport are undermining the financial basis for the commuter train. It means that San Francisco, capital of the west from the Gold Rush to some point in the 20th century when Los Angeles overshadowed it, is now a bedroom community for the tech capital of the world at the other end of the peninsula.
There are advantages to being an edge, as California long was, but Silicon Valley has made us the centre. Five of the six most-visited websites in the world are here, in ranked order: Facebook, Google, YouTube (which Google owns), Yahoo! and Wikipedia. (Number five is a Chinese-language site.) If corporations founded by Stanford alumni were to form an independent nation, it would be the tenth largest economy in the world, with an annual revenue of $2.7 trillion, as some professors at that university recently calculated. Another new report says: ‘If the internet was a country, its gross domestic product would eclipse all others but four within four years.’
That country has a capital that doesn’t look like a capital. It looks like beautiful oak-studded hills and flatlands overrun by sprawl: suburban homes (the megamansions are more secluded) and malls and freeways often jammed with traffic and dotted with clunky campuses, as corporate headquarters of tech firms are always called. Fifty years ago, this was the ‘valley of heart’s delight’, one of the biggest orchard-growing regions in the world. It wasn’t to everyone’s delight: Cesar Chavez and the United Farmworkers movement started in San Jose, because the people who actually picked all those plums and apricots worked long hours for abysmal wages, but the sight and smell of the 125,000 acres of orchard in bloom was supposed to be spectacular.
Where orchards grew Apple stands. The work hours are still extreme but now the wages are colossal – you hear tech workers complaining about not having time to spend their money. They eat out often, though, because their work schedules don’t include a lot of time for shopping and cooking, and San Francisco’s restaurants are booming. Cafés, which proliferated in the 1980s as places to mingle and idle, are now workstations for freelancers, and many of the sleeker locales are routinely populated by silent ranks staring at their Apple-product screens, as though an office had suddenly been stripped of its cubicles. The more than 1700 tech firms in San Francisco officially employ 44,000 people, and a lot more are independent contractors doing piecework: not everyone rides the bus down south. Young people routinely make six-figure salaries, not necessarily beginning with a 1, and they have enormous clout in the housing market (the drivers of the Google Bus, on the other hand, make between $17 and $30 an hour).
I weathered the dot-com boom of the late 1990s as an observer, but I sold my apartment to a Google engineer last year and ventured out into both the rental market (for the short term) and home buying market (for the long term) with confidence that my long standing in this city and respectable finances would open a path. That confidence got crushed fast. It turned out that the competition for any apartment in San Francisco was so intense that you had to respond to the listings – all on San Francisco-based Craigslist of course, the classifieds website that whittled away newspaper ad revenue nationally – within a few hours of their posting to receive a reply from the landlord or agency. The listings for both rentals and homes for sale often mentioned their proximity to the Google or Apple bus stops.
At the actual open houses, dozens of people who looked like students would show up with chequebooks and sheaves of resumés and other documents and pack the house, literally: it was like a cross between being at a rock concert without a band and the Hotel Rwanda. There were rumours that these young people were starting bidding wars, offering a year’s rent in advance, offering far more than was being asked. These rumours were confirmed. Evictions went back up the way they did during the dot-com bubble. Most renters have considerable protection from both rent hikes and evictions in San Francisco, but there are ways around the latter, ways that often lead to pitched legal battles, and sometimes illegal ones. Owners have the right to evict a tenant to occupy the apartment itself (a right often abused; an evicted friend of mine found a new home next door to his former landlord and is watching with an eagle eye to see if the guy really dwells there for the requisite three years). Statewide, the Ellis Act allows landlords to evict all tenants and remove the property from the rental market, a manoeuvre often deployed to convert a property to flats for sale. As for rent control, it makes many landlords restless with stable tenants, since you can charge anything you like on a vacant apartment – and they do.
A Latino who has been an important cultural figure for forty years is being evicted while his wife undergoes chemotherapy. One of San Francisco’s most distinguished poets, a recent candidate for the city’s poet laureate, is being evicted after 35 years in his apartment and his whole adult life here: whether he will claw his way onto a much humbler perch or be exiled to another town remains to be seen, as does the fate of a city that poets can’t afford. His building, full of renters for most or all of the past century, including a notable documentary filmmaker, will be turned into flats for sale. A few miles away, friends of friends were evicted after twenty years in their home by two Google attorneys, a gay couple who moved into two separate units in order to maximise their owner-move-in rights. Rental prices rose between 10 and 135 per cent over the past year in San Francisco’s various neighbourhoods, though thanks to rent control a lot of San Franciscans were paying far below market rates even before the boom – which makes adjusting to the new market rate even harder. Two much-loved used bookstores are also being evicted by landlords looking for more money; 16 restaurants opened last year in their vicinity. On the waterfront, Larry Ellison, the owner of Oracle and the world’s sixth richest man, has been allowed to take control of three city piers for 75 years in return for fixing them up in time for the 2013 America’s Cup; he will evict dozens of small waterfront businesses as part of the deal.
All this is changing the character of what was once a great city of refuge for dissidents, queers, pacifists and experimentalists. Like so many cities that flourished in the post-industrial era, it has become increasingly unaffordable over the past quarter-century, but still has a host of writers, artists, activists, environmentalists, eccentrics and others who don’t work sixty-hour weeks for corporations– though we may be a relic population. Boomtowns also drive out people who perform essential services for relatively modest salaries, the teachers, firefighters, mechanics and carpenters, along with people who might have time for civic engagement. I look in wonder at the store clerks and dishwashers, wondering how they hang on or how long their commute is. Sometimes the tech workers on their buses seem like bees who belong to a great hive, but the hive isn’t civil society or a city; it’s a corporation.
Last summer, I went to look at a house for sale whose listing hadn’t mentioned that the house was inhabited. I looked in dismay at the pretty old house where a family’s possessions had settled like silt over the decades: drum set, Bibles, faded framed portraits, furniture grimed with the years, cookware, toys. It was a display of what was about to be lost. The estate agent was on the front steps telling potential clients that they wouldn’t even have to evict: just raise the rent far beyond what the residents can afford. Ye who seek homes, come destroy the homes of others more frail.
I saw the same thing happen in the building next door to the rental I eventually found through word of mouth after failing to compete in the open market. These families are not going to live like that again, in pleasant homes in the city centre. Other buildings I visited had been emptied of all residents, and every unit was for sale, each furnished with brushed steel appliances, smooth surfaces and sleek neutral tones to appeal to the tastes of young technocrats.
In the poorer outskirts of the city, foreclosures and short sales (an alternative to foreclosure where the house is sold even though the sale won’t cover the debts) go on as they have across much of the country since the crash in 2008, and a group called Occupy Bernal Heights (a neighbourhood spin-off of Occupy San Francisco, co-founded by the sex activist Annie Sprinkle) has shown up at the banks and at the houses to defend many owners, one home at a time. Poverty is cruel and destructive. Wealth is cruel and destructive too, or at least booms are. The whole of the US sometimes seems to be a checkerboard of these low-pressure zones with lots of time and space but no money, and the boomtowns with lots of money, a frenzied pace and chronic housing scarcity. Neither version is very liveable.
San Francisco’s tech boom has often been compared to the Gold Rush, but without much discussion about what the Gold Rush meant beyond the cute images of bearded men in plaid shirts with pickaxes looking a lot like gay men in the Castro in the 1970s. When gold was discovered in 1848, employees left their posts, sailors abandoned their ships, and San Francisco – then a tiny port town called Yerba Buena – was deserted. In the Mother Lode, some got rich; many died of contagious diseases, the lousy diet, rough life and violence; some went broke and crawled back to the US, as the settled eastern half of the country was called when the gold country was an outpost of newcomers mostly arriving by ship and the American West still largely belonged to the indigenous people.
Supplying the miners and giving them places to spend their money became as lucrative as mining and much more secure. Quite a lot of the early fortunes were made by shopkeepers: Levi Strauss got his start that way, and so did Leland Stanford, who founded the university that founded Silicon Valley. The Mexicans who had led a fairly gracious life on vast ranches before the Gold Rush were largely dispossessed and the Native Californians were massacred, driven out of their homes; they watched their lands be destroyed by mining, starved or died of disease: the Native population declined by about four-fifths during this jolly spree.
San Francisco exploded in the rush, growing by leaps and bounds, a freewheeling town made up almost exclusively of people from elsewhere, mostly male, often young. In 1850, California had a population of 120,000 according to one survey, 110,000 of them male. By 1852 women made up ten per cent of the population, by 1870 more than a quarter. During this era prostitution thrived, from the elegant courtesans who played a role in the city’s political and cultural life to the Chinese children who were worked to death in cribs, as the cubicles in which they laboured were called. Prices for everything skyrocketed: eggs were a dollar apiece in 1849, and a war broke out later over control of the stony Farallones islands rookery thirty miles west of San Francisco, where seabirds’ eggs were gathered to augment what the chickens could produce. A good pair of boots was a hundred dollars. Land downtown was so valuable that people bought water lots – plots of land in the bay – and filled them in.
Wages were high too, until 1869, when the Central Pacific Railroad (built by Stanford and his three cronies) connected the Bay Area to the East Coast, and the newly unemployed railroad workers and the poor of the east poured in. The Annals of San Francisco describe the city twenty years earlier, in 1849:
As we have said, there were no homes at this period in San Francisco, and time was too precious for anyone to stay within doors to cook victuals. Consequently an immense majority of the people took their meals at restaurants, boarding-houses and hotels – the number of which was naturally therefore very great; while many lodged as well as boarded at such places. Many of these were indeed miserable hovels, which showed only bad fare and worse attendance, dirt, discomfort and high prices. A few others again were of a superior class; but, of course, still higher charges had to be made for the better accommodation.
The oil and gas boomtowns of the present, in Wyoming, North Dakota and Alberta, among other places, follow this model. Lots of money sloshes around boomtowns, but everyday life is shaped by scarcity, not abundance. The boom workers are newcomers. They work long hours, earn high wages, drive up the cost of housing for the locals, drive out some locals, eat out, drink a lot, brawl, overload local services, often get addicted or injured. In Wyoming last year I met a disability counsellor who told me about the young men who go into the coal and gas mining business, make more money than they’ve ever seen, go into debt on a trailer home, a fancy truck, extravagant pleasures, and then get permanently disabled on the job and watch their lives fall apart. A journalist who’d been reporting on the boom in North Dakota told me about ranches ruined by toxins and a trailer park full of Native Americans who’d lived there for many decades evicted to make room for higher-paying miners with brand-new trailers. Like a virus, mining destroys its host and then moves on. There are ghost towns across the west full of dying businesses with the landscape around them ground into heaps leaching toxic residue.
There are ways in which Silicon Valley is nothing like this: it’s clean, quiet work, and here to stay in one form or another. But there are ways in which technology is just another boom and the Bay Area is once again a boomtown, with transient populations, escalating housing costs, mass displacements and the casual erasure of what was here before. I think of it as frontierism, with all the frontier’s attitude and operational style, where people without a lot of attachments come and do things without a lot of concern for their impact, where money moves around pretty casually, and people are ground underfoot equally casually. Sometimes the Google Bus just seems like one face of Janus-headed capitalism; it contains the people too valuable even to use public transport or drive themselves. In the same spaces wander homeless people undeserving of private space, or the minimum comfort and security; right by the Google bus stop on Cesar Chavez Street immigrant men from Latin America stand waiting for employers in the building trade to scoop them up, or to be arrested and deported by the government. Both sides of the divide are bleak, and the middle way is hard to find.

Guidelines for Measures to Cope with Disgraceful and Other Events - Part 4

7. SUICIDE

A man of honour, a true English gentleman, might have come to this conclusion sooner.  The pills and the booze, the blade in the bath.  No place to be weak, Simon, no place to be weak.
            You wonder how strong you are.  Better to deal in certainties, and it’s quite certain you never became the man you were meaning to become.  Can’t argue with that.  Feel sorry for yourself, get angry.  Be astonished by your own superficiality, how poorly you’ve lived, how little you’ve cared for the light and the truth.  A part of you, still fighting on, protests you left no stone unturned, hence young Eva.  You wanted to know if there was something better, and then when the blackmail cut in you weren’t sure it was any worse pretending that Europe needed Russian gas than pretending the European Parliament was just the place for an ambitious young politico like you.  Working for money, marrying for money, helping one country, helping another, the lines all blurred.
            Most of them, Simon, not all.  You were always on the same track, interested in nothing much except your own esteem, the comfort of your inflated sense of self.  In your quest for the meaning of life, at which you only get the one go, you have indeed left no stone unturned.  Ha.  Except for any of the heavy ones.
            You disgust yourself.  You have nowhere left to turn.
            The blade in the bath and then you’re done.  No more falling on your feet.  No more falling.
            The trouble with suicide is that it gives so much value to life.  If you conclude that life is so utterly pointless that it’s not worth living, then life is not really worth not living, either.  Makes little difference either way.
            I don’t see you as a suicide, not you, Simon.  You couldn’t do it.  Not to yourself.
           

8.    MURDER

This idea came from the unemotional, almost inhuman mind of Miss Higgins, or so one day you will allow yourself to believe.
            But it’s also true that you get bored with the idea of disgrace, both its inevitability and how mundane it seems.  The hidden mistress is such a tawdry and common way to fail.
            Higgins sips her tea, puts the cup delicately back in the saucer, shrugs.  Higgins says no Eva equals no problems with your wife.  The Russians who have been such close friends to Eva think the same thing, now they want you in London.  As it happens, Higgins too wants the Russians to want you in London.  She suggests, in your nearest café Le Roi et Son Fou, while dissecting a blood-red linzertorte with a cake fork, that you could be of assistance by reporting back on what the Russians want from you (three family passes to Legoland and the projected subsidies for nuclear fuel). 
            Or we will expose your affair with Eva Kuznetsova.
Who will?  They will.  We will.  Holy Moses.  Everyone will.
To accept the kind of arrangement offered by young Miss Higgins is surely an elegant way for Euro MP and future parliamentary high-flyer Simon Vindolanda to avoid disgrace.  Your ruination simply won’t be allowed to happen, or not now, not yet.  You will be looked after and cared for, just as you have been shepherded for some time now without your knowledge.  We have been listening and watching.  You are now being offered the unusual opportunity to submit to higher forces who understand you because they know you, we know everything there is to know about you.  Such is life, under Her Majesty’s wing.
            Unfortunately, in this scheme of things, Eva has to go.  Higgins is not an impulsive character, but was perhaps ahead of you when she politely suggested that Eva is in a very dangerous profession.
            ‘What?’  You pretended not to hear or understand her, I rather think the latter.  ‘Former assistant to the Russian trade envoy at the Strasbourg European Parliament?’
            ‘Whore,’  Higgins said.
            Don’t feign such shock.  We’re much alike, you, me, young Miss Higgins.  We all like to think things through to the deadest end, and on this occasion here is where the thinking leads.  Higgins showed you the photographs of Eva in leather leaning against a crash barrier on the underpass beneath the A49 to Colmar.  That was before she met you.  It isn’t difficult for the Russians to find recruits in this part of the world.  At the underpass, waiting for the German-plated cars, nearly all the girls are Russian.
            Higgins will have told you we don’t actually have to act.  In fact we should do nothing, except wait and watch.  The Russians will take care of Eva in their own time, in their own way, but you weren’t happy with that, were you, Simon?  Not happy at all.  Even if the Russians are careful with Eva, late at night in the cold-flowing river, drunk on vodka I should think, poor lost and careless lass, then you’ll still know what really happened.  So will Higgins.  We’ll all be accomplices to murder.  Which is true, and don’t forget the Russians will know that you know.  Probably make sure of it, more weight on their side of the blackmail balance.  And although Higgins also knows, the Russians don’t know about Higgins.
            Exciting, isn’t it?  No two years will ever be the same again.      
Leave Brussels and Strasbourg behind.  Move on to Westminster where you always wanted to be, no one the wiser.  That’s what Higgins said.  Exact words, and we can play them back to you as many times as we like, as so much else:
‘I won’t do it.’
‘What is more disgraceful?’  That’s Higgins again, using her sensible tea-time voice, ‘this, a chance to help your country, or the inevitability of failing at your job and sinking into obscurity as a disgraced Euro MP?  Not even a very memorable scandal, to tell the truth.’
            You’ll get tired of Eva, you know.  Name of the game.  It’s hard, and for your own peace of mind I appreciate that you’d prefer to tire of other people before they tire of you.  Nothing’s perfect.  But in our line of work Evas come and go, and I have a feeling you’re going to last at this.  You have an eventful career ahead of you.  You’ve already proved yourself adept at the hole-in-the-wallery, so why not the cloak-and-the-daggery?
            I wouldn’t want Higgins to have to withdraw her offers of protection and assistance.  The Russians won’t be very happy with you.  They’ll call in the balance of the conditional.  A few well-placed rumours.  You and Eva.  The imminent happy event.  Then what?
            ‘I won’t stand by while somebody gets killed!’
            Your voice became quite high-pitched at this point, despite the nobility of the sentiment.  From the video footage I can see in your eyes that you believe it, for the time being. 
‘For Christ sake she’s pregnant.  Have some heart.’
            ‘Is alleged to be pregnant,’ Higgins corrected you.  Then she left, without deadlines or ultimatums.  She did not leave her details.  Even her, Simon, even Higgins, you watched her closely as she walked away.  Just as we were watching you.
            We can see it in your eyes, Simon.  You’re not ready to take advice.  Not yet, not on this cycle.
            But what else can you possibly do?


1.    DENIAL

As you stand up in front of the microphones and cameras you’ll have a lump like uncooked pastry in your throat.  It will feel bad, wrong, horribly self-destructive. It will feel like going back to school, like real life.
            Reading from a prepared statement, you will say that you simply do not accept the unfounded and malicious allegations that have been made against you.  You have no idea why or how they originated.  You have never been in contact with any inappropriate individuals or organisations and wish only to continue with your life as a family man and an active member of the European Parliament.  You trust that from now on you and your family will be left alone.
            No one believes it, not even you.


2.    CONCEALMENT/CONTINUED DECEPTION

Come on, Simon, jump ahead.  We both know where this is going.

Guidelines for Measures to Cope with Disgraceful and Other Events - Part 2



There’s the sex.  You’re nearly forty.  For a while, sex hadn’t been what it was, not for an oversexed individual like yourself.  That’s how you think of yourself, isn’t it?  Proud of the forceful urge, a kind of badge of the profession, proof you belong where the sap always rises.  You have drive, energy.  You get impassioned, then blocked at every turn.  You need outlets.  I can understand that.
            Eva is sex like it used to be in the beautiful days, way back in Cambridge out on the Backs with Miranda Gadding.  Christ yes.  The pumping heart, the shimmer.  Life did burst then.
            Though you express it differently now.  With Eva, in your ‘bright red speechless intimacy’, you two are apparently ‘bridging the gap between man and woman, dissolving.’  Needed to write it down, watermarked paper inside a licked envelope, even though she has barely enough English to understand.  The letters were a way of writing to yourself.  A mistake, Simon.  Not so clever.
            But Eva is life, is living, that’s how you see it, don’t you?  She protects you from the fear that one year might become much like the next, impossible to remember for itself.  An adolescent terror, I think you’ll admit, but no less compelling for that.  Eva is worth it because she keeps life new, and if life is new, you must be young.  That’s the sequence, the logic behind the love story, am I right?
            Continuing in secret, however, is to live every day with the risk of disclosure, leading to disgrace and certain downfall.  Is this then the right option for London MEP Simon Vindolanda?  Let me, just for a moment, play devil’s advocate. 
            Why keep the situation as it is when neither your marriage nor your mistress is perfect?  I have recorded five separate occasions on which you’ve joked to political contacts that yours was an arranged marriage.  Georgia arranged it.  Down to the last detail.  But as the details included a marquee and 400 guests and champagne on the lawn of her parents’ house near Romsey in Hampshire, it was an arrangement you decided you could live with.
            And even though you’d prefer life to be bursting, Eva isn’t perfect either.  On her trips to Brussels for ‘shopping’, whenever you snatch twenty minutes together in the Hotel du Congrès, room number 319 (16 minutes 23 seconds the shortest we’ve put on file), you go in fear for your professional life.  When you’re in there you rarely talk.  Eva’s English is not strong, except for the very basic grammar she’s learnt by heart, the dog-English you’ve taught her, a doggerel of love.  How does it go?
            Love you, you say.
            Love you more, she says.
            Love you most, you say.
            Sweet.  Quick.  That’s your regular shtick, isn’t it?  Love you most but have to dash.  Check your flies, peck on the cheek, check your flies, dash.  It can be so miserable.
            When you were first elected, representing half a million Londoners, of whom perhaps 200 know you by name, you felt so self-important that you wandered the Euro corridors determined not to fall in love with any girl from Europe who said hello.  You did well.  Not bad at all after ten years of marriage and out of the house among attractive European women who wear stockings.  Though you never picked up the knack of not looking, did you?  Can never keep your eyes from flicking down, especially from behind when you think no one’s watching.  Usually someone is, Simon.  It was five years of politics before Eva came along, and by then you were so disillusioned she didn’t even have to speak, just sit behind the Russian trade envoy, shuffle a few papers, cross her legs, occasionally make eyes at you above her low-cut square-framed glasses. 
At the beginning it was so simple, a perk on Parliament expenses.  Dinner-cruises on the Rhine, long drives through northern France with stop-offs for VIP tours of the cellars in Champagne.  Eva loved it.  You shrugged.  That’s the kind of guy I am.
            In return she went to bed with you, barely out of her teens.  You like her to shower first so you can smell her in the flesh, comforting and young like warm plastic beakers.  Is that what really gets you going?  Is that what set you off the time against a tree in the Orangerie gardens when you came immediately and laughed and said: ‘At least it’s not raining. Ha ha.’
            It started raining.  Remember?  You wrapped her in your arms, inside your fawn-coloured raincoat, the collar up over her little head as the two of you ran for cover.  Hard to keep secrets these days.
            But let’s not go back, even though the problem with Eva is that it was always perfect yesterday, because you made it through yesterday without being found out.  Today is always a risk, and therefore much less enjoyable until it’s safely over.  And a baby as well.  That’s going to be tough, nothing but trouble.  Trouble doubled.
            Which makes #2 Continued Deception hard to recommend, in your case, as a dependable measure for avoiding disgrace.  How long can you keep up this charade?  Your landscape of danger is increasing, but how much pleasure do you get from stratagems and survival, from travelling everywhere with cash money, a concealed mobile phone and toothbrush?  Is that how you want to live, how to get where you want to go?  When you first met Eva you were so confident you’d soon have a seat in the House you promised to set her up in London near Madame Tussaud’s.  It was the only landmark she knew, and she was thrilled.  You were so sure, in the good old days.
            If your secret life is exposed, it’s back to #1 and the drawing board.  If you want to avoid the public risk of Denial, and you instinctively understand that in the long run Continued Deception is unsustainable, you might like to consider some further measures we’ve explored in some detail on your behalf.


3. REPARATION/MAKING AMENDS

This may be painful.  It is not by any means the easy option.  You would have to make a decision.
            Decide what is the right thing to do, and then do it. 
            If it is right to stay married to Georgia, and to bring up your children in a stable loving home, then this is a chance to get things right.  Before anyone finds out.  If you act quickly.  And if they do find out, the damage can be minimised by this demonstration of good faith.  Voluntarily, under no pressure at all, you’d already decided to do the decent thing.
            You do love your wife, you sometimes think.  It’s so inconvenient to see her unhappy.  Georgia is a kind of habit, an attraction easily renewed because you’ve always loved your English posh.  The haughty but naughty, the kind of crisp excitable girls you first met off the meat wagons that came to your boys’ school on dance nights.  The private boarding school your mum ruined her health to pay for.  Then at Cambridge you couldn’t resist those fine-grained voices, every rounded vowel a childhood of fresh fruit and Malvern water.  The voices you adored, and also the weekends away at houses with tennis courts.
            Your girlfriends before Georgia were bumpy and blonde.  Georgia was dark though well-built, serious, nice face but thick ankles, not a trophy.  She believed that all people were born equal, as had her grandfather, the Minister of Munitions, whose portraits lined the stairs of the family home.  You looked at them closely just once, the first time you faced her parents’ dismay and were given your own room.  Each night you lay there quite happily alone (after some giggly relief from Georgia in one of the bathrooms), listening to the ancient house and loving the sheets, so stiff and clean. 
            This is what your Mum and Dad had scrimped for, sold all those ice-creams for, to put you in a ‘drawing-room’ with a girl like Georgia, who you’d met at the University of Cambridge and who, between gin and tonics and dinner, was impossible not to love.  Your Mum said she just wanted you to be happy, but you followed your Dad’s script and for him it was a weepy: the heights you might one day reach routinely trembled his lip.  Georgia was duly written in and you wouldn’t want to give her up now, nor the town-house in Pimlico, or the cottage near Marlborough, wouldn’t want to make Dad cry again.  He cries easily, your Dad.
            It’s not too late.  Don’t be a bastard husband all your life, thinking a happy marriage means she’s reliable at social events.  Remember what’s good about Georgia, and why you loved her in the first place.  You could make her laugh, remember, and enflame her with your socialist principles; being young and poor you had to use your personality.  No VIP trips, no expenses, that’s not the kind of guy you were.
Or if not in the first place, later when she was pregnant.  You were surprised by how beautiful she became, and you held her hand more tightly than you should, more tightly than you had before.  Oh the fun before Hugh was born, remember that?  The two of you keeping the anxiety at bay by larking around, and in the last days before birth saying ‘fuck’ as often as possible.  Fuck this, fuck that, her in her high crystal tones, Lawdy! These fucking false contractions can fuck the fuck off!  As much swearing as possible, while you still could, before the baby came and you were on your best behaviour, supposedly for the rest of your lives.
            Hugh Walter Vindolanda, soon followed by Madeleine Federica Vindolanda.  For the first time in your life you had something of your own to lose.  Think of that now, of the kids, those poor privileged children.  You have to work at marriage, make it a long-life proposition.  Throw in some additives, some colouring, some white lies and foreign holidays, and accept it for what it is:  a processed, preserved love, less tasty maybe but also less perishable.
            This is the way back for you, Simon.  Do the right thing, stop seeing Eva, and then look forward to years of buying back your soul.  This will be your penance, and it will do you good.  I mean it.  You’ve acted badly.  Now find out if there’s a way back to the better person you were.  Be ambitious closer to home, work at a future for you and Georgia and the children.  Vow to make things right and act your age, for the years will become indistinguishable.  That’s how you will survive with Georgia.  She will block the light, she will provide shade.  What more do you want?
            Eva.
            Forget Eva.  Enjoy the postponed approval of Georgia’s parents, of your Dad, of your dear departed Mum (god rest her soul).  Be pragmatic.  Divorce is unthinkable, not because of the children but the grandparents.  Enjoy what marriage has brought you, and pity those poor fools who married for love. Looking back, wondering how it happened, they must feel very embarrassed if love was the one good reason.
            Besides, it was Georgia’s cousin the Right Honourable Member for Andover who first mooted that safe Westminster seat.  Between men, keeping it in the family, he offered you a word to the wise:
            ‘You do understand, Simon, if you have any muck they will find it.  Clean out the stables, old boy.’
            As for Eva, you need to deconjugate your flimsy little grammar of love.  Agreeable though she may have been, regrettable though it is to break such shattering news, Eva has been a fling.  Making her, at this critical stage of coping with potential disgrace, the something flung.

Guidelines for Measures to Cope with Disgraceful and Other Events - Part 1



by
Richard Beard


1.    DENIAL

Make it unreservedly clear, as an elected member of the European Parliament, that nothing shameful could possibly have taken place.  Rumours must be dismissed as unfounded and malicious, as per approved guidelines for measures to cope with disgraceful and other events. 
            You could, for example, deny using your office expense allowance to set up a Russian citizen with no work permit in a studio apartment on the Quai Rouget de Lisle in Strasbourg (which does not, because you have never been there, smell intensely of incense and pillows).  You have never slipped across the river between midday resolutions and an afternoon meeting of the All-Party Committee Against Corruption.  If necessary, you can swear this on your wife and children.  Hugh, I believe, who is six, and four-year-old Madeleine with her collection of Britannia zoo animals.
            Your family isn’t perfect, deny that too.  Always deny perfection.  Hugh didn’t get on with his school in Brussels, so Georgia took the children back to Kensington the Vale in London, where thirty years ago she wore precisely the same brown uniform and straw hat with ribbon.  In a family context, you can sometimes be unreasonable.  ‘Nobody leaves this house until I find my sock!’  That was one of yours - the gang in the van had a good laugh at that one - but you public figures are often baffled at home.  Nevertheless, you would not knowingly jeopardise the muddled rough-and-tumble of normal domestic life.  Deny it.
            You are, however, a politician.  You can see every side.  You can see that your enemies and the opposition and your father-in-law and the press would love any accusation of this kind to be true, which of course it isn’t.  Especially just now, with your eyes on a seat at the big boys’ table at Westminster.
            Seven years ago, in your first week in Brussels as a Euro MP, the leader of the Socialist group, Lars Knudsen, took you aside.  He wanted to offer advice, to show that he knew best.  He taught you how to reserve the better tables at Comme Chez Soi, and how to get selected by BBC News 24 for interviews in the lobby.  Useful stuff, and you humoured Herr Knudsen, didn’t you?  Cosy up in the Members’ bar and talk about absolutely everything.  Women and ambition.
            ‘This is no place to be weak, Simon.’
            That was the only warning he had for you, and you laughed at him behind his back.  Second-rater.  Wouldn’t be in Brussels otherwise, but in Copenhagen.  Just like you thought you ought to be in London.  It was a shame about Knudsen though.  I’m not sure he deserved to be sent home in disgrace, not simply for putting his personal dentist on the Weights and Measures payroll.
            Procedures have been tightening up, as you know.  This is probably not the best time to be seeing a young lady called Eva Kuznetsova, who is undoubtedly pretty but has no visible means of support.  You should deny that you share her flat for the four days a month the Parliament sits in Strasbourg, and state firmly that you do not skim your living allowance to put Eva on the direct train to Brussels at least once a week at all other times.  This is a damaging and false accusation likely to hurt your career, your wife, and your children. 

Unfortunately, Denial may fail to contain events.  For this measure to work, you will need a spotless reputation.  You should never have associated with parliamentarians already disgraced, nor have failed to declare a non-executive directorship with a Black Sea mining company.  There should be no blokey stories, however amusing, about you and female delegates in the days when you were president of the Union of European Students.  Even if you yourself encouraged these stories because that was long before you were married, and in any case the girls were foreign and total Euro stun-guns.  Your very own words, Simon, I do believe.
            You are a politician.  Denial is precarious.  Most people with whom you interact, including journalists, other politicians and occasionally your own wife, are a cynical bunch who will assume that the opposite of what you say may well be true.  Before risking a straight denial, you should explore other possible measures.



2. CONCEALMENT/CONTINUED DECEPTION

This often appears an attractive solution; it worked well enough until now.  It is a legitimate way of coping with an event that might otherwise become disgraceful, like Eva Kuznetsova on the Quai Rouget de Lisle, who since last Thursday thinks she might be pregnant.
            Cunning will be required.  Continued deception demands a cleverness that gets increasingly stretched as time goes by.  Imagine hiding a mistress and her baby.  Your baby.  A second family. 
            It was a junior minister in the Lord Chancellor’s Department, on a recent visit to the Commissioner in Brussels, who singled you out at lunch and said:
            ‘You are a very clever operator, Simon.  I like that in a young man.  We enjoy the way you work.’ 
            So busy, so committed, talking shop and stopping overnight in Rome, Barcelona, Dublin, Amsterdam, every destination by happy coincidence also served by Ryanair from the Baden Airpark near Strasbourg.  If you say you’re going to Rome, Simon, just as you have until now, you should go, where your wife and your agent and the BBC and the whips can ring you on a genuine Rome number.  If it happens that Eva is also in Rome on a 0.01 euro Ryanair flight, on the same weekend, in the same hotel, in the same room, then truly the light doth shine.  As with any lie, make most of it true.  Do some business.  Talk to at least one German civil servant – they’re impeccable as alibis.  Easy.  Easy-peasy for a slick cocksure bastard like you.  Pardon my French.
Simon.
            Here’s a favourite of yours – a sly technique you should retain.  Buy open-ended air tickets and then monitor the flights back to London or Brussels.  Find one that’s cancelled and then immediately e-mail your wife (cc the secretary) to say this is the flight you booked.  They should check the arrival time on the Internet.  A little later, when they make the urgent call to tell you the bad news, and you’re lying in your towelling robe on a king-size bed in the Hotel Barbarini on the Via Rasella, it’s clear that a delay like this is going to be hell for everybody.
            Sport is good, golf best.  Off for 18 holes at the Royal Waterloo or the Kempferhof but only play nine.  Swimming has good margins for creative time-keeping; triathlon training is almost foolproof. 
            The problem with strategies and deception, as you know, is cash-flow.  It costs to be clever, and for these purposes you can hardly get cash from Georgia.  She and her family have always been most generous, but there are limits, even for the English upper classes.
            So the cash, the cash, oh where to get the lolly?
            From a Russian energy consortium perhaps.  One that wants to deregulate the gas market to allow Russian supplies free access to Western Europe.
            The money, the money.  The flat, the furniture, Eva.  You were even clever with the furniture, avoiding a paper-trail of receipts and Visa statements by buying for cash from trading magazines.  Good thinking, but for so much effort you have to be sure she’s worth it.