On Finding My Way Back

For a long time my life looked just like my friends’. I graduated high school and went to college where I did college things like go to parties and join a sorority. After college I got a job, moved into my own apartment, and started my adult life. I bought a house. I got married. All things my friends were doing, too.
Suddenly I feel different. People are having babies. Advancing their careers. Planning their futures.

All things I’m not sure I’ll ever get to do.

I don’t know if it was turning 30 – spending so much time thinking about that milestone and what it means. If it was spending weeks planning #for30more – being consumed by all things cystic fibrosis. Or if it was some combination of the two. Or neither. But I’ve been struggling.
Struggling not to suffocate from the unending sadness.

Struggling to feel joy for friends and their milestones – occasions I would normally love celebrating.
Struggling to participate in normal, everyday conversations; letting them get drowned out by a constant internal conversation, one full of questions with no answers; of “yes, but”s; of my biggest fears.

Struggling to relate to almost everyone. And it’s been so very lonely.
Because of this I’ve been pulling away; hiding again; finding comfort in the isolation – a place that’s lonely and sad, yes, but is also a place where I don’t feel like an outsider. I don’t have to fake it or pretend everything is okay; instead I can cry and get angry and welcome the pain in. I can try to get comfortable with these things rather than push them away.
And I hope that by giving myself the time and space to explore the pain and sadness that comes with having a terminal illness, I’ll find my way back. Back to those conversations, back to my friends. Back to myself.

Change Your Life - If you are afraid

According to one online dictionary, ‘life‘ is defined as:
“The condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.“
 
I particularly like the last sentence; “…the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.“
So simply put, living is about finding ways internally to deal with our external circumstances. But how many of us aren’t really living, but merely surviving? Do you find yourself waiting for things to change to make your life better – your partner, the economy, your job? Or do you make things change by first deciding to, then taking action to make it happen?

I’m certainly guilty of waiting around for things to turn to my favour. I used to do that a lot – it didn’t get me anywhere. To be honest I still do it to some degree now, until I catch myself doing it and decide to grab life by the scruff of the neck and do something different.

What I do isn’t as important as my intention to make a change. As long as I’m doing ‘something‘ to make a positive difference to my life. Sometimes I make a mistake. Sometimes what I do can make things worse for a while. But I know with enough positive intention eventually I’ll make changes in my life that actually make my life more rewarding.

So if you’re waiting for something BIG to happen in your life, STOP. Get your thinking cap on and figure out just one thing that you can do to get the ball moving in a different direction.

If you are afraid to let your creativity out…Watch:

Superb interview between Marie Forleo and author Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love).
If you ever wanted to quit it all and throw yourself into that book project but were too afraid. Or you wanted to risk it all to start that business idea, but were worried you might lose it all.
Elizabeth Gilbert saying it how it is and sounding like a breath of fresh air against all the ‘gurus’ who advocate “just follow your passion“.

3 Strategies for Hacking Happiness

Wealth, status, fitness, relationships – for most people, these markers are accomplished in pursuit of the ultimate goal: Happiness.

                                          image Credit: Flickr

Collecting these achievements makes sense – who wouldn't be happier with more money, a higher-profile job, better defined abs or a stronger marriage? But research has shown, somewhat counterintuitively, that major positive changes in life circumstances don't necessarily translate to similarly significant upticks in well-being. (Two studies, one pertaining to newlyweds and the other to high-level managers who voluntarily changed jobs, illustrate this human tendency to quickly adjust to improvements, a process known as hedonic adaptation.)
If boosting one's life circumstances isn't necessarily the secret to boosting one's happiness, then what is? Or is happiness, as with so many things, simply the result of a genetic lottery?
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a psychology professor at the University of California-Riverside and she's spent the majority of her career studying happiness. She's come to believe that in many ways, happiness is a skill.  “Research has accumulated to convincingly suggest that a large portion of happiness may be under people’s control through the activities they choose and how they construe and respond to situations in their lives,” she and postdoctural researcher Kristin Layous wrote in Positive Emotion (Oxford University Press, 2014).

Here are three cognitive and behavioral strategies she says have been found to “reliably improve happiness.”

1. Remember: Life is short.

Contemplating mortality may seem like a backwards way of finding happiness, but a recent study co-authored by Lyubomirsky and currently in review suggests this may indeed be an effective strategy.
In the actual study, participants were either instructed to live the following month as if it was their last (in their current city) or to just keep track of their daily activities. Those in the first group reported higher levels of well-being at weekly check-ins during the four week trial, as well two weeks after the trial was completed. What's more, their well-being increased over time and, the authors write, "mediation analyses indicated that these differences were explained by greater connectedness, competence, and autonomy."
It's easier to appreciate something (be it a meal, a vacation or a city) when it is finite; when a resource is limited, its value increases. By imagining time as scarce, the authors speculate, we can jolt ourselves into refusing to take the positives for granted, to "seize the moment and extract greater well-being" from our lives. It's a subtle, but important, variation on the cliché 'live every day like it's your last' (which, taken literally, would be ridiculous). Instead, it's about recognizing that the good times won't last forever – and appreciating them all the more because of it.

2. Shake it up.

As mentioned earlier, it's surprisingly easy to adapt to a positive life event, be it marriage, a promotion or weight loss. As Lyubomirsky writes in her book, "even the most beautiful or noteworthy events are susceptible to the process of hedonic adaptation, whereby they lose their emotional impact over time and through repeated exposure."
Previous research suggests variety helps combat this effect: College students report being less able to adapt to dynamic life changes, such as making a new friend or learning a new skill) than static ones (such as upgrading dorm rooms or receiving more financial aid).

Whenever possible, infuse variety into your life. This can mean finding a wider sample of enjoyable activities, as well as taking a break from certain ones altogether (which interrupts the cycle of adaption, enabling a renewed sense of pleasure when the break is over). Both strategies slow the process of adaption by creating a perpetual sense of newness.

3. Focus on others.

When it comes to happiness, effort isn't always enough. In fact, high-levels of self-monitoring and self-focus have been associated with lower levels of well-being.
Which is why, as circular as the following statement sounds, actively working to increase the happiness of people close to you may be the best strategy to increase your own happiness.
In a soon-to-be-released study co-authored by Lyubomirsky, participants were split into two groups; those in the first group were asked to actively try and make someone in their lives happy for four weeks, while those in the second were simply asked to track their daily activities.
"People who took steps to make a friend, family member, or roommate happy reported increases in happiness compared to those who simply kept track of their daily activities, thus supporting our contention that focusing on the well-being of others is good for mental health," the authors wrote. "Thus, focusing on a close relationship helps people obtain greater fulfillment out of their daily lives and feel more grateful for what they have."

Make Money Online With Payoneer Partners sites at low minimum payment

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How to make money with payoneer partners?

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25 Questions To Ask People To Draw Them Out

As a personal coach, I use pointed and thoughtful questions to help my clients gain more clarity about themselves and to help me better understand my clients and their goals.
I generally ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” so that the client is encouraged to dig deeper and uncover answers they may not have realized previously. Often after I ask a question, a client will say, “I’ve never thought about that before.” Once they ponder the question and their feelings about it, it can lead to a profound insight or an “ah ha” moment.
Even in social or casual settings, asking the right questions can stimulate deeper and more interesting discourse. It can set the stage for discovering common interests, developing a more authentic connection, and fostering mutual empathy and understanding.
There is an art to asking good questions. No one wants to feel as though they’re in a job interview or being grilled for information. A big part of asking questions is listening mindfully to the reply in order to hear beyond the words spoken.
Mindful listening requires watching body language, hearing tone of voice, and being sensitive to what is left unspoken. It also requires asking thoughtful follow-up questions or making reflective or supportive statements. By learning to ask good questions and taking the time and interest to listen mindfully, you are setting the stage for more intimate, fulfilling, and enjoyable relationships.

 Here are 25 questions to ask people to draw them out . . .

1. What is your best childhood memory?

This question always makes people smile and often leads to a humorous or poignant exchange about family, travel, holidays and traditions, hopes and dreams, and friendship. You learn a lot about someone when they share aspects of their childhood.

2. If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?

This question gives insight into a person’s state of mind about who they are, their vulnerabilities, and their hopes and dreams. Often sharing regrets or unmet desires opens doors to considering new possibilities or the confidence to make needed change.

3. How did the two of you meet?

This is a great question to ask a couple. Quite often sharing the story of how they met draws them together in a mutual happy memory. It gives them a reason to reconnect and allows you to learn more about their past and how they interact together as a couple.

4. What do you feel most proud of?

This question makes people feel you are really interested in them and who they are. Everyone wants to feel accomplished and proud, and we all want an opportunity to share our successes without looking like a braggart. The answers give you great insight into what the person values most in life.

5. What is your favorite music?

The music we enjoy helps define us and reflects the dreams and attitudes of our generation. What we listen to reflects what speaks to our souls. It reveals who we are and what we believe — in an illuminating and honest way that’s often hard to put into words.

6. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?

This question not only allows you to discuss and share travel experiences, but also it affords insights into the other person’s interests, personality, and sense of adventure.

7. If you could only keep five possessions, what would they be?

This question really makes people think. We are so attached to our possessions, but truthfully there are only a few that matter deeply to us. When people are forced to define those few, it gives insight into what they value most.

8. What teacher in school made the most impact on you and why?

Teachers can play a pivotal role in helping us develop a love of learning, discover our life passions, and draw out our innate skills. Sometimes they are people who inspire us or who simply believe in us and want the best for us.

9. What do you want your tombstone to say?

Although this is a morbid question, it does go right to the heart of what we want for ourselves. At the end of our lives, how do we want to be remembered and what legacy do we want to leave?

10. What was one of your most defining moments in life?

This is a great question to invite sharing on a deeper and more vulnerable level. Often defining moments come during profound life transitions like death, divorce, job loss, etc. It is during these times we are called to make a huge mental, physical, or emotional shift.

11. Why did you choose that profession?

The story of how someone landed in a particular profession opens the door to learning a lot about a person and their motivations, interests, education, and ambitions. We spend most of our days working, so the answer to this question also reveals how a person chooses to define their lives.

12. How do you spend your free time?

This is a great follow-up question to the previous question. It rounds out the picture of how this person has created his or her life and what hobbies, interests, and obligations they have created for themselves.

13. If you won the lottery, what would you do?

This is a fun question that reveals so much about a person and their attitudes about money, work, and life passion. Would they leave their job? Buy their dream home? Do something altruistic? Would they be happy about having a lot of money or want to avoid it?

14. Who do you most admire in life?

This is a great question to learn more about the kind of person someone wants to emulate. We admire people whose actions and character reflect what we want in ourselves. This will tell you a lot about the true character of a person.

15. What are your top three favorite books and why?

Sharing favorite books opens the door for interesting conversation and finding common ground between you. It gives you and the other person a chance to learn something new and potentially to understand a new perspective or interest you haven’t pursued.

16. What are you most afraid of?

This is a very probing and enlightening question. Everyone has fears, and our fears reveal our vulnerabilities and pain. When someone shares this with you, you must respond with care, kindness, and trustworthiness. You must treat their fears with dignity so they feel safe connecting with you on this more intimate level.

17. What feels like love to you?

Everyone has their own “love language” — the words, behaviors, and attitudes that make them feel loved and that reveal how they express love. This is a great question to ask your spouse, romantic partner, or a potential romantic partner.

18. What is your strongest personal quality?

Most people feel uncomfortable with this question at first because they want to appear modest. But truly we all want to feel validated about our positive  qualities and have others recognize this about us. People will usually follow up by asking this question of you, and it creates a positive feeling and bond between you.

19. What was your most embarrassing moment?

This is a fun question that can lead to laughter and connection. Most people enjoy telling funny stories about themselves if there isn’t shame or guilt involved. Occasionally someone will reveal something painful or shameful, and this is the time to show empathy and caring.

20. If you were president, what is the first thing you would do?

You can learn a lot about someone’s political beliefs, ideals, worries, and values when you ask this question. If you want to connect and invite open discussion, just be sure you don’t challenge or put down the response you get if it happens to be different from what you would do.

21. What age do you feel right now and why?

Ask this question of someone over 50, and you’ll get some interesting responses. As we get older, most people don’t “feel” their chronological age. It’s enlightening to learn how people perceive themselves internally even though externally they may be at a completely different stage of life.

22. If you could witness any event of the past, present, or future, what would it be?

This is a fascinating question that invites interesting discussion. You can learn about someone’s interests and goals, and perhaps you’ll be inspired to delve into a new interest yourself.

23. What is a skill you’d like to learn and why?

Most of us have something we want to learn to improve ourselves or for simple enjoyment. This question gives the person the opportunity not only to share that desire, but also to examine why they haven’t pursued learning the skill.

24. What does a perfect day look like to you?

Thinking about this question requires us to dig around in our memories for previous perfect days. It’s a feel good question that gives both people an infusion of happiness and maybe even the desire to recreate that perfect day.

25. How would your friends describe you?

This question allows the other person to talk about themselves from an outside perspective. It invites self-awareness and self-honesty and opens the door to more authentic conversation.