She never initiates sex
First the good
news. In surveys, two-thirds of women say they initiate sex “sometimes”.
The bad news is that she counts hair-flicking as initiation. At least
once every few weeks it’d be nice to have our shirts torn apart by
someone other than the dry-cleaner.
The solution:
Show her a sign. “One of the reasons she may have stopped approaching
you is because of her fear of rejection,” says Janice Hiller, a clinical
psychologist specialising in psychosexual therapy. Men can usually
weather sexual rejection – quickly planning the next seduction - but
women fear it, so you’ll need to do what women do when they want sex:
send out subtle
signals.This will create an atmosphere where she’s pretty sure she won’t be rejected.
This
signalling business isn’t as difficult as you might think; women have
being doing it for years. We’re not suggesting you parade around in
tonga briefs but rather act in such a way that she’s pretty sure she
won’t get a terse ‘No’. “That could be as simple as lounging around in a
bathrobe after a shower, or dimming the lights and playing her
favourite sexy music,” says Hiller. The key is in creating a relaxed but
suggestive atmosphere conducive for the playing of your favourite game.
Sex is long and silent
For most of us, hearing our partner in
the throes of passion is one of the best aphrodisiacs there is. Not
only does it mean she’s enjoying herself, it means we’re doing something
right. Sadly though, not all women respond to orgasms in the style of
Meg Ryan.
The solution: Encourage by example. “Make
the kind of sounds of satisfaction that you’d like to hear,” suggests
Hiller. “That way you’re giving her permission to gasp and moan too.”
And ask her questions about how much she likes what you’re doing to her
or get her to explain what she’s going to do to you. “That, in itself,
can be incredibly arousing,” says Hiller.
She hides her body
It’s a common gripe. You think she’s
gorgeous; she thinks she’s a Gorgon. Before you know it, she’s unscrewed
the bedroom lightbulb. And for men who get turned on by visual stimuli
(ie all of us) that’s very bad news indeed.
The solution:
Worship her. But before you do, make sure you’re not inadvertently
making the problem worse. Ask yourself, do you often talk about the
physical attractiveness of other women when she’s around? If so, start
censoring yourself now.
Even if you’re not comparing them to your
partner, if she’s insecure to start off with she’ll think you are.
Tanya Woolf, a psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships at
London Psychotherapy Associates, recommends you reassure your partner
that you like her exactly the way she is. “Emphasise that you like her
exact shape and size, and that you find her attractive,” she says. If
your partner tends to turn complaints into criticisms, miraculously
translating “your boobs look great” into “but your backside’s huge”, use
actions rather than words to reassure her. “Kiss and stroke parts of
her body you know she doesn’t like,” says Woolf. “The message should get
through eventually.”
She’s squeamish about oral
Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she doesn’t know what you like. Maybe she thinks fellatio is a character out of Hamlet.
The solution: Give her a hand. If anyone knows how to get women to enjoy fellatio it’s Lou Paget, author of
How to Be a Great Lover (Piatkus
Books), who gives regular seminars on oral sex technique. “When your
partner starts giving you oral sex, take her hands off your thighs and
hold them with yours - she’ll like that - then guide her hands to your
penis so they form a tube around it,” she suggests.
As her mouth
goes up and down, rotate her hands clockwise and anti-clockwise.” The
bonus for you: different tactile sensations make it feel even better
than common-or-garden oral sex. The bonus for her is smooth sailing. Her
hands will act like a bumper between the three inches of her mouth and
the five inches plus of your penis.
One other piece of advice...
do the gentlemanly thing and shower beforehand - most women feel a lot
more comfortable about oral intimacy when they know the old persuader
has been carefully and lovingly washed.
She won’t experiment
When you first started seeing her she
was the one with the new moves and techniques. How you’re some kind of
sexual Henry Higgins to your fair lady.
The solution:
Open your mouth. “It might seem like a novel idea,” says Woolf, “but
sometimes you’ve just got to ask for what you want.” To prevent being
knocked back she recommends turning your requests into a game. “Suggest
that you alternate weeks of who’s responsible for coming up with ideas,
fantasies and new positions. This way your partner won’t feel
criticised.” If she gets stuck, there’s a plethora of books, magazines
and videos available for you both to browse.
She doesn’t come often
Frequent orgasms don’t just make her
feel good; they act as a marker for your sexual performance. The fewer
she has, the further you feel yourself falling down the lovers’ league
table.
The solution: Head south. The good news is
at least 90% of women who have never had an orgasm will be able to have
one - and if they have one, they may even be able to have multiple
orgasms. Mantak Chia, sex therapist and co-author of
The Multi-Orgasmic Couple
(Thorsons), says men should keep their sexual repertoire varied if they
want to encourage their partners to orgasm - and devote time to oral
sex.
One study found women who experience multiple orgasms usually
have the first orgasm after cunnilingus, rather than intercourse or
manual pleasures. The tongue is the perfect instrument for stimulating
the clitoris. Having varied sex - cunnilingus, followed by intercourse,
with simultaneous stimulation - was also a common denominator among
these women. “Another good tip is to suggest she goes on top when it
comes to intercourse,” says Chia. “If she can control matters, the
likelihood of her coming will be far greater.”
She won’t share her fantasies
You’ve always wanted to try
that thing with the Spacehopper and the spatula – haven’t we all? – but
it’s not the easiest thing to slip into a conversation.
The solution:
Break it to her gently. “You could start her off with clues to the kind
of thing you like,” suggests Hogan. “Then she’s less likely to freak
out when you do let her in on your fantasy.” When you feel the time is
right to say you want to be wrapped in clingfilm/have her dress as your
primary school teacher/wear her lingerie, Hogan says you should be
careful to use ‘I’ statements. For example, “I would really like it if
you could?”, as opposed to “You should wear this/do this to turn me on”.
That way she’s less likely to feel it’s her fault if she doesn’t want
to play.
"Before you even open your mouth, think to yourself:
‘What’s in it for her?’ Can it be sensual and enjoyable for her, rather
than just weird or indulgent for you?” asks Hogan. “ Remember also that
some fantasies aren’t meant to be acted out - they’re impractical, maybe
even dangerous - so set limits from the outset. Finally, if she does
agree to get involved, always be sure to say you appreciate the fact
that she gave it a go - whether it works out or not.”
Words by Lucy Lam
Photograph by Komilov Oleg
